I’m seeing the importance of being able to embrace silence while in the chaos of life. I’ve recently come off of a couple of months of experiencing several conflicts. I’ve believed and doubted myself over and over again. I’ve filled my head with the noise of uncertainty time and time again until I’ve exhausted myself with all kinds of reasoning. In the end, I am responsible for my engagements, for my actions, my responses and my next steps forward.
I’ve been finding the silence in the certitude of my stance.
I constantly point the finger at myself before looking outward……and then I turn it on myself again. This is how I am able to know my balance.
During these conflicts I’ve faced hypocrisy head on. Do I truly believe conflict is good and a place to grow? While in it, I feel awful and stressed….but what is that? The awful and stressed is just me resisting the conflict. Because, do I feel awful and stressed in the ring? In the heat of metaphorical conflict I am engaged, certain I want to be there. I am trading punches….I am connecting, missing, dodging, seeing, avoiding, landing………
In the heat of conflict in the ring, I am fully engaged and alive, not resistant. In the place my life is truly on the line, I am most welcoming. In life, I feel like my life is on the line, but in actuality, the chemicals coursing through my veins and brain tissues are alerting me inaccurately. There is no bear coming at me, only another human in fight, flight and flee mode. I am working so hard at leaving my hypocrisy behind for conflict has gotten me every step forward. Conflict hurts….people let you down and you often let yourself down for moments, but in the end, your vision is sharper…..your choices in the future more educated. Your beliefs solidified into action.
I think about the conflict I’ve had with people that we have made it through to the other side and I feel how we are thick as thieves. We respect each other with nods of the boxers at the end of a 10 round battle where there has to be a named winner and loser, but in reality we were both quite victorious for we faced our depths and came out standing. We went in to battle together and left together.
I do indeed value conflict and I will experience a ton of it before I am laid to permanent rest. So, each day, I will hold myself accountable, hold others accountable and I will for sure……